When The Sacred is Torn From Your Life...And You Survive

First let me say thank you for your inspiration, it been a blessing. Like you God has been instrumental in the last few years in teaching me that in order to do anything and for it to be successful I need to place Him first. Eight years ago my world as I knew it changed on one faithful day June 16th, 2008 when my husband of almost 25 years was killed in an auto accident. He died 3 day before what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary, almost 28 years together. He was killed by someone under the influence. I had always heard the phrase “the rug was yanked from under me” used but I was actually experiencing all what that truly meant.

I was in denial, I was angry, I was hateful, I was angry with God “how could He do this to me”, why him? What did I do to deserve such a faith, what did my children do to go fatherless? My 10 year old son at the time was in the accident with his father and witnessed his father’s death, my question was what has he done to warrant that kind of image in his mind. So I turned away from God and tried dealing with things in my own way.

Before my husband died we were in the process of purchasing our second home, in a gated community, thinking that we were stepping up in the world. The house I live in was already sold and now the one we were about to purchase can’t be done because I was incapable of qualifying for that mortgage on my own. So I was now homeless, and I felt that way. I felt that I was being punished and that God has turned away from me, but in essence I had turned away from him.

So on one of those nights when everyone was asleep and I had done my duties of keeping face and appearing strong. I turned on the shower and screamed and I sat there until I could cry no more and there were no more, I was completely depleted and as my sobs subsided I heard this still voice say to me. “Don’t you believe that if I have given you such a wonderful man for all these years that I am capable of doing so much more and bringing you someone beyond what you have”, and I answered yes.

That night was the changing point for me. From since then I have been reconnecting with my God and learning his ways and learning what his purpose is for me. It’s been a difficult walk, but each day as I reflect on all he has done and continue to do it get’s easier. I have learned that even through the years when I turned my back on him, he kept me, he sustained me, he provided for me, he comforted me and brought me and my family out. I spend my days asking for forgiveness, repenting for my sins and in His word. I have made and upheld promises to him, I have changed a lot of my actions to line up with his, but I did so not expecting him to do anything for me but because if he did nothing else, he’s done enough. So I thank him, I praise him and I press forward.